the six wives of apathy
the primero draft de un play
by samara
cast
brexit
plague
grunch
coachella
eurydice
georgefucker
pig
the first scene
two women named brexit and plague are sitting on a couch together, facing slightly away as if tense, each smoking a cigarette in perfect unison. suddenly, plague turns to face the other. brexit keeps smoking. these two talk britishly or at least midatlantic.
plague
oh come on honey what are we doing here
brexit
we’re waiting for our husband
plague
no i mean why are we acting like this
brexit
we’re waiting for our husband
plague
why won’t you talk to me
brexit
i’m waiting
plague
tell me baby did i do something
brexit
you are doing something right now
plague
what
brexit
it doesn’t matter. i’m waiting. that’s called doing nothing
plague
my mistake
they take one more synchronized drag before the doorbell rings
brexit
are you going to get that
plague
goddammit i thought we were waiting
brexit
hello? what if that’s our husband. you dolt
plague
well i’m not doing anything. i’m waiting
brexit
you know what. fuck you. i’m lying down
brexit puts her head in plague’s lap and they take a synchronized drag. the doorbell rings a bunch more
brexit
HOLY FUCK SHUT UP
grunch (offstage)
I WILL NOT
plague (running to the door)
grunch!! grunch!! grunch grunch grunch!! it’s grunch!!
enter grunch, who is a butch lesbian that looks like a 90s european raver
grunch
hey baby ya miss me haha
brexit
hello grunch.
grunch
hello, brexit.
brexit
did you bring me my cigarettes
grunch
when was the last time i didn’t
brexit
yesterday
grunch
doesn’t count
brexit
yesterday, before that
grunch
whatever, brex, grunch mccruncher the reefer beaver muncher brought you your ciggies
brexit
i can’t live without fags
grunch
i can
plague
GRUNCH!!!!!!
grunch
PLAGUE!!!!
they embrace then kiss
plague
wait!
grunch
what is it babydoll
plague
i’m supposed to not be doing anything
brexit
that’s right.
grunch
are you waiting for our husband?
brexit
that’s right.
grunch
and you thought i might be him?
plague
that’s right.
grunch
heh. nice. i wish. he gets to fuck all our wives
brexit
do you have to be so vulgar
plague
don’t you kind of like it, brexie?
brexit
give me my fuckign cigarettes
grunch
right away ma’am
exit grunch
brexit
hmph!
plague
oh, why do you have to be like that to my wife
brexit
they say happy wife happy life but i’m not having a very good time to be honest with you. so unhappy life for everybody it is
plague
you’re not having a good time? whatever is wrong brexie baby?
brexit
no cigarettes baby and i’m stuck here waiting
they take a drag off of their cigarettes in unison
plague
god this is tough huh
enter grunch with a large box
grunch
who wants smokes
brexit
in god we trust
brexit takes the box and runs off stage
grunch
hehe. what say you we cut this waiting business short and do somethin
brexit (offstage)
GRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—
(onstage, enter brexit)
—UUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!
grunch
at your / service
brexit
these are MARIJUANA cigarettes. MARIJUANA CIGARETTES, GRUNCH! i asked you for cigarettes and you once again you have brought me proof that you are involved with criminal drug dealing conspiracies
grunch
wrong box baby one second (exits)
brexit
CRIMINAL DRUG DEALING CONSPIRACIES
grunch (re-entering with a larger box)
duty-free cigarettos baby
brexit
duty free!
grunch
fresh tobacco or whatever
brexit
my god you are the most beautiful woman alive, you criminal
grunch
if i had a dime for every time someone had said that to me verbatim i would be a millionaire, honeybaby, i’m the fucking grunch
the doorbell rings again. grunch ducks behind the couch
plague
BREXIT THE DOOR BELL
brexit runs to door—ENTER COACHELLA—and is shocked to find a transsexual named coachella instead of her husband
brexit
hello. i thought you were my husband
coachella
that’s not a very nice thing to say
plague
welcome!! who are you what are you doing here and welcome!!
coachella
i heard there was a party
brexit
no! no parties
plague
we’ve got some people over it’s a party, brexit, play nice
coachella
did you just call her brexit also why is that dude ducking behind the couch like i’m not right here staring at him
grunch (behind a couch)
my name is grunch mccruncher the reefer beaver muncher and i am a woman
coachella
ah for sure what’s up dyke dap me up brother
grunch gets up and daps coachella
plague
what’s that
coachella
that’s gender baby. this is gender right here.
brexit
my name is brexit.
coachella
awesome. my name is coachella.
plague
i am plague
coachella
plague? what the fuck
brexit
she’s greek, asshole
plague (crying)
i’m greek
coachella
for sure my b for sure. so like what are you guys doing here
plague, brexit, and grunch
we’re waiting for our husband
coachella
is he gonna start the party
plague, brexit, and grunch
always does, baby
coachella
word. so this is like a polyamory type of situation
brexit
my god! bigamy! we are good christians
coachella
are you sure about that? tell me about your personal relationship with your lord and savior, madam brexit, for i am curious what that means to you,
brexit, coachella, and plague sit on the couch together. grunch falls completely silent and begins pacing with anger and purpose around the stage.
brexit
i was born in a far away and godless place to a tribe of powerful satanists who were attempting to infiltrate the goodly god-fearing gentry. i was horribly sad the entire time. horribly horribly sad. everybody was mean to me at school and i could never even go to a sleepover because everyone knew we were fake devil gentry. then one day i was awoken by the arrival of an angel at my window. we talked for hours. the angel told me to accept Jesus who would fix it. so I did. and then I met my husband and now i’m very rich and I’m happy. that’s about it really. do you have any questions coachella
coachella
what did the angel look like
brexit
i don’t remember
coachella
awesome
plague
like a baby cherub flying like around like a gnat and playing a tiny harp
brexit
no
plague
ah damn
coachella
woulda been lame if you ask me
plague
not at all. when i was a little girl on lesbos i was visited by seven cherubs in the forest. they danced around me and sang a sort of nightcore mr brightside with their tiny cherub mouths and harps. i cried for weeks it was so beautiful.
coachella
that’s dope like for real
plague
do you want to be my wife
brexit
plague be careful
plague
i want her to be my beautiful transsexual wife brexit
coachella
so this is like a polyamory type of situation
plague
that’s right. and we’re good christians too
brexit
it’s different, plague, that’s not the same, that’s gay
grunch sits down on brexit’s lap
grunch
when i was seventeen years old i got into a bar fight with the devil in amsterdam
coachella
oh we’re just telling stories. it’s really nice to get to know you guys like this
grunch
he looked me dead in the eyes and i saw reflected in his billions of real human souls being tortured by god in the lake of hellfire. every time i close my eyes i see this.
brexit, grunch, plague, and coachella in unison pull out a cig or joint and light and take a drag
grunch
i didnt like that very much. he was in the body of a police man. i hit him as hard as a could with the first object i could grab—the pitcher of ice water at the bar for losers who like to stay hydrated. he wasn’t hit very hard bc the water was sloshing around and i spilled it all over the both of us. i started hoping it was holy water or something but it wasnt and we both started slipping and sliding all over the floor and falling into each other and shit and slapping each other around. finally i managed to sock him real good right in the nose and he died
coachella
you killed a dutch cop?
grunch
let he who is without sin throw the first—
coachella
throw your fucking stone man that’s awesome. no sins there
brexit
heathen whelp got the devil in her
plague
my great uncle was a cop you fucking sicko
coachella
hit him with a rock
brexit
by god! she said “hit him with a rock”. i’m going to be sick. i’m retiring to the bedroom this is all too much for my fragile soul. i feel faint
plague
what are you going to do in there
brexit
i’m waiting for my husband
plague
oh goodness. we’ve been doing things haven’t we
grunch
telling stories
coachella
is it my turn
brexit
pay attention to me right now!
grunch
yes ma’am
plague
right away ma’am
brexit
…coachella?
coachella gets up and faces the audience. pause. brexit starts screaming and running around.
brexit
copkiller copkiller copkiller copkiller copkiller!!!!! all of you!!! aaah!!!!! pay the fuck attention to me right now!!!
enter eurydice a transsexual with a frying pan, who whacks brexit as she runs around the stage, and brexit flops to the floor comically. everyone turns to pay attention to eurydice
eurydice
hey
grunch
hey
plague
hey
coachella
. . . hey
eurydice
i couldnt sleep with her doing that again. i am going back to sleep now.
plague
will you come back out for the party
eurydice
we’re having a party? (seeing coachella) hey
coachella
im coachella
eurydice
im eurydice. are you enjoying our party
coachella
its very thought provoking
eurydice
bummer. try smoking more weed
coachella
hella
eurydice
hella. goodnight
coachella
goodnight skater. (exit eurydice) she seems nice
grunch
you gay or something
plague
yeah are you gay
coachella
hella
grunch
nice me too
plague
yeah same
coachella
thought you guys had a husband or something
grunch
it’s gay to have a husband, our husband says
coachella
oomfie kinda spitting
grunch
for real
plague
for real
coachella
for real. are we still waiting for that guy
plague and grunch
we’re waiting for our husband.
coachella
i feel like we’ve been waiting a really long time. i feel really tired. can i tell you guys my story. i am so tired.
plague
you could sleep with eurydice
coachella
im coachella
grunch
gruncher muncher the cruncher fucker gonna go munch some crunch you know what i am saying
plague
oh you sauce
coachella
be my guest
grunch
nah youre my guest buddy
grunch and plague exit. coachella is left alone on stage while brexit lies there.
coachella (king of the hill)
yep
eurydice enters and sits down on the couch opposite coachella
eurydice (king of the hill)
yep
coachella
heyy
eurydice
do you like breakcore
coachella
yea
sound cue: ambient jungle
eurydice
can i show you something
coachella
of course
a projector plays a video of a rabbit being whimsical for thirty seconds
coachella
so are you some kind of wife too
eurydice
i’m the live in transsexual
coachella
is that a sex thing
eurydice
no i’m an incel
coachella
what? oh
eurydice
i’m kidding
coachella
so it is a sex thing?
eurydice
no i am just not an incel
coachella
what are you
eurydice
i’m eurydice
coachella
i’ve been sleeping a lot lately
eurydice
i’m really sorry about all of this
coachella
it’s only ever too hot or it’s only ever too cold. sometimes it is both so i never go outside and i just sit around
eurydice
it only ever gets too hot here
coachella
that’s worse, don’t you want it to snow?
eurydice
oh, i don’t want to be here.
coachella
oh. gosh. i’m sorry. i’m really sorry about all of this. where are we?
eurydice
our house
coachella
oh. what are we doing?
eurydice
we’re waiting for their husband.
coachella
i actually exactly get that
eurydice
yea
coachella
can i kiss you?
eurydice
you should ask me that later
coachella
yeah, sometimes right now is bad
eurydice
yea
coachella
do you ever think that happens a lot?
eurydice
wdym
coachella
like, do you ever think that right now is bad a lot?
eurydice
ugh. i mean. yeah. i get that. i think i’m okay now. do you ever get scared, coachella?
coachella
i am afraid a lot of the time eurydice
eurydice
i don’t have any money
coachella
oh i thought you guys were rich
eurydice
my roommates are
coachella
seems like a sweet deal to me
eurydice
i pay half the rent
coachella
when was the last time you ate something
eurydice
i had bread earlier
coachella
oh. yeah. okay.
eurydice
do you like fighting games
coachella
can i be honest with you? i don’t like fighting games. i get that that’s like a thing for me to do but i don’t really want to do it.
eurydice
hey that’s fine
coachella
i never do anything anyway. not that if i did something fighting games would be my first choice. can i move on to a separate but related thought please
eurydice
yea thats cool its okay
coachella
i never do anything
eurydice
i play fighting games
coachella
do you want to play a fighting game with me
eurydice
i think i killed brexit
coachella
that’s cool
eurydice
can i show you something
the rabbit video plays again with breakcore. brexit gets up
brexit
do you guys know aphex twin
eurydice shrieks. coachella falls over. brexit shrieks.
coachella
shut the fuck up please
brexit
that is no way for an honored guest to speak. get out of my house
eurydice
she’s my guest
brexit
i see. so that’s the way it’s gonna be baby. i set you up and you knock me down.
eurydice
give me your money
brexit
what
eurydice
reach into your pocket, pull out your wallet, and give it to me
brexit
eurydice, I—
eurydice
give me your fucking wallet!
brexit
I don’t have a wallet!
eurydice
Jesus Christ whatever,
brexit
don’t take the Lord’s name / in vain
eurydice
go get your fucking purse out of your bedroom and put all your jewelry and valuables inside of it and give it to me right now.
brexit
gosh.
exit brexit
eurydice
oh. um. i’m sorry
coachella
was that real
eurydice (solemn)
hella
coachella
can i kiss you
enter georgefucker
georgefucker
WIVES! THE LORD GEORGEFUCKER HAS RETURNED!
coachella
oh jesus fuck
eurydice
oh coachella this is not ideal
georgefucker
you are not my beautiful wives
coachella
you betcha
georgefucker
you cannot be here.
eurydice
bitch i live here
georgefucker
what did you call the lord georgefucker
eurydice
i didn’t call the lord georgefucker anything
georgefucker
you two wouldn’t happen to be a pair of dick girls would you? traps?
coachella
veritably so sir
eurydice
i live in your walls
georgefucker
my wives cannot see you here
eurydice
oh george do not oh my god
georgefucker
WIVES, STAY ABED
enter brexit with all her money
georgefucker
BREXIT!
brexit
hello my love
georgefucker
what have you got there
brexit
i am giving all my purse my money and valuables away to the impoverished transsexual to who lives in our walls
georgefucker
well very fine honey. women are wont to do what they will with their moneys these days.
brexit
thank you very much my love
georgefucker
just this once. dont get cocky charitable now
brexit
i would never dare get cocky charitable
georgefucker
very well then. what say you we hit the town like a pair of young lovers and have ourselves a meal at a fine dining establishment with a view of a body of water
brexit
raw me
georgefucker
let us be off then
brexit
here you go, trannies!
brexit drops the bag on the floor. exit georgefucker. exit brexit.
coachella
wow. okay
eurydice
sheesh.
coachella
that guy seems like he owns a lot of money
eurydice
he owns a lot of land
coachella
what. how is that allowed
eurydice
long fucking story
coachella
we’ve been telling stories
eurydice
those women are insane
coachella
these women are crazy
eurydice
i’m perfectly cognizant
coachella
are you greek
eurydice
im southern
coachella
your name is eurydice and plague is greek so i thought i would ask
eurydice
plague is greek?
coachella
ya
eurydice
huh. im southern.
coachella
why are you called eurydice
eurydice
i chose to be. why are you called coachella
coachella
i pissed off a wizard
eurydice
it’s a good name
coachella
thank you. so is eurydice. haha. eurydice kinda looks like it could be pronounced youre a dyke and i am.
eurydice
when was the last time you got any sleep
coachella
they told me we could take a nap
eurydice
we can take a nap
coachella
when was the last time you had any weed
eurydice
2019
coachella
you want some
eurydice
i smoke two joints before i smoke two joints and then i smoke two more
coachella
we got a box full of them over somewhere
eurydice
we could smoke two joints and then take a nap
coachella
let’s smoke two joints and then take a nap
eurydice
it feels good to not be waiting anymore
coachella
i still feel like i’m waiting for something
eurydice
their husband already came by
coachella
i feel like i’m waiting for our husband
eurydice
i don’t have a husband. i don’t have a wife.
coachella
i think that might be wrong and i think that you might.
eurydice
let’s take a nap.
black out
the second scene
lights up. plague and brexit are sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette in unison
plague
did you have a good day yesterday baby
brexit
my husband took me out on the town
plague
he’ll be home soon
brexit
we could wait around for him
plague
we could wait for our husband
brexit
we could have a night on the town
plague
the pope has got all my money
brexit
i gave away all of my money to a poor transsexual woman
plague
that’s unlike you, brexit baby
brexit
i am full of regrets, plague, regrets and surprises
plague
i would like to be full of money
brexit
i would like to be full of dick
plague
it’s hard having all this space. we have such a big house
brexit
we keep giving rooms away to poor transsexual women
plague
i am so tired of them taking up our spaces. we’re women too
brexit
i’m brexit
plague
what are we talking about baby
brexit
we’re talking about our husband
plague
i thought we were talking about trans women
brexit
we’re talking about them too
plague
we could wait for the trans women
brexit
and what? sneak attack them?
plague
we could give them more money, they love money. we have so much.
brexit
you’re an imbecile, baby. youre not supposed to give your money away.
plague
why not
brexit
you need it to kill the pope
plague
pope’s got all my money
brexit
that’s why you’ve gotta kill him
plague
but i can’t, can i? because he’s got all my money
brexit
that’s why the pope still breathes.
plague
and if i had my money, i wouldnt need to kill him
brexit
that’s why the pope will never die
plague
i need my money, brexit, if you’ve got none.
brexit
well why don’t you wait?
plague
for what? direct deposit
brexit
wait for our husband.
plague
can you wait for something with me
brexit
i am waiting for my goddamn cigarettes
enter grunch with an even larger box full of cigarettes
grunch
have i ever disappointed you brexit baby
brexit
countlessly
plague
grunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
plague and grunch hug and kiss
grunch and plague
we love you brexit
brexit
i love you grunch and plague … grunch i need to ask you a question
grunch
yunch
brexit
do you have any money
grunch
i told you baby im a woman and these cigarettos are duty free. aint got money
brexit
bullshit youre a drug dealer give me your wallet
grunch
where’s your money brexit
brexit
i gave away all my valuables
grunch
i’m going to take the cigarettes back and give you the money
brexit
so you do have money
grunch
no i got cigarettos baby
brexit
give me money or i will kill you and myself
plague
what about me
brexit
you must live baby and tell my story
grunch
and mine
brexit
no
enter coachella
coachella
we tellin stories?
brexit
who the fuck are you
coachella
im coachella
plague and grunch
hi coachella
brexit
get out of my house
coachella
are you gonna call me a slur again
brexit
ive never seen u in my life
grunch
shut the fuck up brexit you saw her yesterday
brexit
what the fuck did you just say to me you little bitch?
grunch
gimme your wallet
brexit
I don’t have a wallet, Grunch. I’m too angry.
coachella
who are you angry at
brexit
who aren’t i, cunt?
coachella
that was actually quite gender affirming what you just said
brexit
i hate women!
coachella
thank god i thought you were a terf
plague
you hate me?
brexit
no darling i could never i love you baby
grunch
back off brexit. youve hurt our wife for the last time
brexit
i’ll kill you, grunch
plague
(sobs)
brexit
baby dont cry over me
grunch
she’s crying at you, dipshit
brexit
i hope you die in your sleep
grunch (brandishing a machine gun)
i hope you die right now
brexit
ah come on man what the fuck
grunch
youre right. thats too far. youre my wife.
brexit
youre my wife too and im still gonna tear your fucking throat out
plague
stop it!!! stopp!!
coachella
you guys are gonna wake up eurydice
brexit
who the fuck is eurydice? another tranny?
coachella
here we fucking go
plague
what’s happening to me. i’m feeling dizzy
grunch
have a cigarette
plague (cigs)
better. dizzier. but better
grunch
grunch win
brexit
i’m going to do it
coachella
do what
brexit
scream
coachella
shut the hell up
brexit
(screams)
eurydice comes out and whacks her and whacks her and stomps on her and stuff
eurydice
goddamn this business is really lame i gotta live on an island to find the juice
plague
did you just kill brexit you monster?
eurydice
im sorry pleggy im tired
coachella
i warned her
eurydice
nice. thanks
coachella
im sorry
eurydice
no, i’m sorry
coachella
can i show you something
cotton candy raccoon video, ends abruptly
eurydice
i didnt agree
coachella
sorry
grunch
me neither
eurydice
grunch i was kidding
grunch
that made me very sad
coachella
can we roll back to what this is if not a polycule. some sort of queer housing group? whats up with the georgefucker guy?
plague
we’re waiting for him. he’s our husband.
grunch
yeah, we’re waiting for our husband
coachella
grunch do you want a husband? plague?
grunch
i wanted a wife, but she’s dead now
coachella
what? plague is fine
grunch
no i mean brexit
coachella
okay but let’s roll back then so you are married
eurydice
i dont think we should be asking them stuff like this
grunch
yeah that’s sort of my private life. i keep that secret as a popular dj
coachella
youre a dj?
grunch
not if youre a transsexual im not i will not sell you gear or teach you a goddamned thing i am not doing that again good lord
coachella
do you have any weed
grunch
not if youre a transsexual i dont
coachella
are YOU a terf?
grunch
nah. love girldick
eurydice
we’re getting off track
plague
we need to go back
coachella
to what
grunch
my WIFE is DEAD you FUCKin QUEER. that bitch killed my wife
eurydice
she’ll get up. we do this everyday
grunch
and what happens if one day she can’t take it anymore?
eurydice
what if that happens to any of us? huh? you think I don’t get whacked?
grunch
i’ll fucking whack you
eurydice
don’t do this to me grunch
grunch
eurydice you killed my fucking wife!
coachella
we’ll have to bury her before your husband gets back
plague
no! we have to wait for him!
coachella
i vote we please don’t wait
eurydice
i vote we pack her a suitcase and throw it in the lake and give her some concrete shoes
coachella
yeah
grunch
we’re waiting for our husband.
coachella
what’d you do when you killed that dutch cop
grunch
secured my place among the elect of heaven
everyone takes a drag in unison, tense, looking around
grunch
let’s regroup later. i’m going to fuck my wife
plague
not if you don’t get me a goddamn cigarette grunch, i’m not in the mood now because brexit is dead and i don’t have any fucking cigarettes
grunch
you are holding three cigarettes
plague
grunch i’m serious. my wife is dead, and you’re just gonna fuck your wife?
grunch
yeah, my wife is dead and i’m just gonna fuck my wife
plague
for a cigarette?
grunch
for a million cigarettes babygirl for a million
plague
okay ❤️yay ❤️
grunch
suck it transsexuals, cigarettes get the girl.
coachella
plague proposed to me yesterday
plague
and i’d fucking do it again
grunch
are you trying to marry my wife?
eurydice
can you guys please just go oh my god
grunch and eurydice exit, leaving eurydice and coachella on stage
eurydice
always the same shit with those two
coachella
eurydice did you actually kill that woman?
eurydice
does it matter?
coachella
i guess, not to me. maybe to georgefucker. seems like it mattered to them.
eurydice
doesn’t matter to me literally at all
coachella
you’re so beautiful
eurydice
what
coachella
you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen
eurydice
how many women have you seen
coachella
they were all so beautiful
eurydice
i’m going to send you a spotify link
coachella
i’ve never cared about anything as much as i’ve cared about women
eurydice
wdym
coachella
you’re the only thing i’ve been able to think about since i met you
eurydice
surely that’s not true
coachella
i care so fucking much what people think of me, and i care twice as much if they’re beautiful women do you like me? every time i meet a beautiful woman whether or not she likes me is all-consuming
eurydice
you seem to be thinking about a lot of things right now not just me necessarily
coachella
thinking too much
eurydice
yeah, you know i can relate
coachella
can you?
eurydice
yeah
coachella
you gotta get out of this house
eurydice
why
coachella
mostly the rent
eurydice
oh, yeah. mostly?
coachella
you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever met. come home with me.
eurydice
where do you live
coachella
fuck what am i doing
coachella begins to walk off-stage, eurydice is about to ask her to wait when the lord georgefucker bursts in the door
georgefucker
WIVES! THE LORD GEORGEFUCKER HAS RETURNED!
coachella
oh jesus fuck
eurydice
oh coachella this is not ideal
georgefucker
you are not my beautiful wives
coachella
you betcha
georgefucker
you cannot be here.
eurydice
bitch i live here
georgefucker
what did you call the lord georgefucker
eurydice
i didn’t call the lord georgefucker anything
georgefucker
you two wouldn’t happen to be a pair of dick girls would you? traps?
coachella
veritably so sir
eurydice
i live in your walls
georgefucker
my wives cannot see you here
eurydice
oh george do not oh my god
georgefucker
WIVES, STAY ABED. (noticing brexit) BREXIT!
he runs to brexit
georgefucker
BREXIT! BREXIT! MY BEAUTIFUL BREXIT! SHE’S DEAD.
eurydice
oh my god
eurydice runs to coachella
georgefucker (wailing)
BREXIT!
eurydice
oh my god coachella. coachella. chella. chella. this is fucked
coachella
i thought you do this everyday
eurydice
coachella she always gets up. she always gets up. it is never like this. it is never ever like this.
georgefucker continues to cry on the floor
coachella
maybe she’s tired
eurydice
maybe she’s fucking dead what do you mean
coachella
what do you mean?
georgefucker
you. traps.
coachella
what’s up man you ok
georgefucker
did you kill my beautiful wife
coachella
no way josé
georgefucker
eurydice you limp motherfucker did you kill my goddamn wife
eurydice
leave me the fuck alone george
georgefucker
i have about had enough
eurydice
i pay rent! you don’t even pay rent!
georgefucker
i own this house!
eurydice
who the fuck built it
georgefucker
i do not give a fuck!
eurydice
where did you get the land
georgefucker
that is not important
coachella
pay her rent, george
georgefucker
she killed my wife
eurydice
i’ll kill you george
georgefucker
what the fuck did you just say to me you little bitch?
eurydice
gimme your wallet
georgefucker
don’t try this, i have a gun
eurydice
pull your gun out, george
coachella
eurydice i don’t think—
georgefucker (patting himself down)
where the fuck is my gun
eurydice
grunch took it off you literally three years ago. you never noticed because you’re an apathetic lazy piece of shit. i don’t even know where you go all day. but you wanna know something. i don’t go anywhere. i don’t do anything. i stay in this house and watch. and this is not your house. these are not your wives. your wives are fucking each other, george. grunch is a dogshit gabber dj who steals your credit card every week to book a flight to amsterdam and smuggle ketamine. and they’re all dykes. grunch, obviously. plague, obviously, femme though. brexit has too much internalized homophobia to accept that it’s gay to fuck your wives, but god does she fuck ‘em. they’re each other’s wives george. i know everything about you and you’re shocked everyday to see me in your home.
georgefucker
you watch my wives have sex all day you sick tranny freak?
coachella takes the frying pan used to kill brexit and whacks georgefucker repeatedly.
coachella (stealing his wallet)
rent-seeking transphobic english piece of shit
eurydice
coachella what did you do
coachella
i killed the lord georgefucker and stole his wallet, eurydice. you wanna like. cook and eat him
eurydice
coachella what the fuck are you serious
coachella
im a georgist, eurydice
eurydice
um, okay, so we have two corpses here
coachella
i’m telling you we should just eat them
eurydice
aren’t you scared of prions
coachella
i’m terrified of prions. why would you bring that up
eurydice
idk that’s why i dont really eat people
coachella
let’s be vegan
eurydice
yeah, that seems like the move
brexit abruptly wakes up, sees the lord georgefucker, and screams, which immediately prompts grunch and plague to walk in, less dressed
grunch
shut the FUCK up
brexit
oh thank god, it’s you, my head is killing me, i need ten cigarettes pronto
grunch
you got it baby girl
exit grunch. grunch re-enters immediately and passes cigarettes out to people.
grunch
i can sense tensions are running a little high and this doesnt seem like an orgy kind of situation, so i think you all know what to do.
everyone except georgefucker takes a long, long drag from their respective cigarette. georgefucker wakes up
georgefucker
damn, what’s that smell? do i smell the cigarettes of my three beautiful and lovely wives
brexit
you know it baby
georgefucker (noticing eurydice and coachella)
you are not my beautiful wives
coachella
you betcha
georgefucker
perhaps i should introduce you
coachella
sounds great buddy
georgefucker
These are my three lovely wives, the Lady Brexit, Duchess of Cambridge; Baroness Grunch von Munch the High Queen of Crunch; and Theodora Porphyrogenita Augusta Palaiologina, the true Empress of the Romans. I am George Fucker Georgefucker-Brown the Lord Georgefucker-Brown. Oh, and that is our live-in transsexual.
coachella
is that like a sex thing
georgefucker
yes, of course
coachella
wait, what
georgefucker
well i guess. i can’t think of any other reason she would be here.
grunch
we’ve been thinking about the pope
georgefucker
go on please grunch will you
grunch
we’ve gotta kill the pope
plague
pretty please
georgefucker
interesting
brexit
we’re out of money, george.
eurydice
oh fuck i forgot about the money
brexit
what? what do you know about money you impoverished transsexual
eurydice
nothing. i have no money, none at all.
georgefucker
my god, how are you going to pay rent? get the fuck out of my house!
eurydice
do you have any money?
georgefucker (patting himself down)
my god, i’m penniless
plague
the pope has all my money, husband. that’s your money too.
grunch
and also my money
brexit
the pope has all our money
georgefucker
the bishop of rome
plague
we need to kill the bishop of rome
grunch (pulling out gun)
i have a gun
georgefucker
my god, what a lovely firearm
grunch
thanks
georgefucker
why do we need to kill the pope for money? don’t we have rent?
eurydice
i don’t have any money, no
georgefucker
the world is crashing down around me. i cannot breathe. i am going to be sick
grunch
a better world is possible
plague
a world with the dead pope
brexit
i gave all my money away and now the pope has it
eurydice
yeah, that’s true
plague
aren’t you tired of doing the same thing everyday?
brexit
no
grunch
whenever i’m tired of doing the same thing everyday, i fly to europe and kill someone
georgefucker
i love golfing
eurydice
i’m going to move out
georgefucker
as am i
coachella
whose house is this?
georgefucker
well, who’s got the most money?
coachella
we do
georgefucker
then i am afraid it is yours by right until we return from killing the pope. georgefucker out. peace.
all the cis people leave
coachella
i would really like it if i could tell you a story
eurydice
okay
coachella
have you ever felt like you can’t stop running from tasks? like every moment that you sense you can do nothing, you do it? for no reason other than you can? you just sit there, and laze?
eurydice
you smoke too much weed
coachella
do you wanna smoke weed together
eurydice
wait was that your story
coachella
no it was a question
eurydice
before that
coachella
a prologue
eurydice
okay. let’s smoke weed
coachella
i met the devil once, too.
they take a long drag off joints in unison. by this point the stage should honestly be littered with cigarettes and joints and anything phallic and smokeable
coachella
the devil taught me a very important lesson
eurydice
which one
coachella
how to get what i want
eurydice
ah the usual
coachella
and how to avoid what i don’t
eurydice
interesting
coachella
i met the devil in the womb
eurydice
what?
coachella
the devil put a worm in my head. i don’t know how to tell my story anymore. the others were so good about talking about the devil. i meet the devil everyday. she tells me to stop.
eurydice
stop what
coachella
if the devil wanted to tempt me i know she would send a beautiful woman. and the only person tempting me into anything is myself. did the devil know? did the devil trans me?
eurydice
i don’t believe in the devil really
coachella
i do, eurydice. i do.
eurydice
if the devil wanted to tempt me he would send me a wife
coachella
yeah
eurydice
i would do anything for my wife if i had a wife
coachella
i’m married to this fucking worm in my head. i do everything it says.
eurydice
what does it say
coachella
it doesn’t fucking say anything
eurydice
are you okay
coachella
no, eurydice, i am not. there is a worm in my head and it is the devil and it is my wife, and it tells me me never to listen to anybody else who asks me to do something. it tells me look coachella anything you can get away with, get away with it. do what you will when you have to and damn the future. she took away my far-sight, eurydice, i’m so myopic. i can’t see more than a minute in front of me. that’s my goddamn wife. the devil.
eurydice
i think you need glasses
coachella
i think i need a wife
eurydice
i have a different worm in my head i think than your wife worm
coachella
can i marry your wife worm
eurydice
i tried to tell you i don’t have a wife
coachella
i still don’t believe you.
eurydice
well, okay then.
coachella
this is a really big house. is this our house?
eurydice
yeah, i think so. i think that’s what happened
coachella
i’m glad you’re my roommate, eurydice, and my friend. i really like you.
eurydice
yeah, you’re cool. i like you
coachella
and you’re so pretty
eurydice
i think you’re pretty too
coachella
thank you
coachella takes a long drag off of a joint and then passes it to eurydice, who takes a drag. this is the only time the characters should ever smoke out of sync. there is a knock at the door. the girls get up to check the door. there is a cop.
pig
say you kids smokin’ reefer. that’s illegal
pause.
tally ho
pause.
right. is this the residence of the lord georgefucker.
pause.
right. have you ever met the pope?
pause.
have you ever met the devil? have you ever met the lord georgefucker?
pause.
tally ho
pause
right. our records reflect that this is the residence of the Lady Brexit, Duchess of Cambridge; Baroness Grunch von Munch the High Queen of Crunch; Theodora Palaiologina; George Fucker Georgefucker-Brown the Lord Georgefucker-Brown; and their live in transsexual. i assume that--well. let’s move on.
pause
were you aware at any point of a conspiracy to assassinate the bishop of rome and restore the empire?
pause
tally ho. right. well, in that case, i will just inform you that Lady Brexit, Duchess of Cambridge; Baroness Grunch von Munch the High Queen of Crunch; Theodora Palaiologina; and George Fucker Georgefucker-Brown the Lord Georgefucker-Brown have all died in an officer-involved shooting. further details will be available as they are released to the public. have a lovely evening
exit pig
eurydice
i guess this really is my house now.
coachella
thank god we took all their wallets before they died.
eurydice
we didn’t get grunch’s. grunch is loaded
coachella
honestly, two wallets is enough for me
eurydice
yeah
coachella
are we landlords now? does this mean we get to sit around doing nothing forever? that sounds really special
eurydice
well, georgefucker golfed
coachella
i don’t want to golf. i want to do nothing.
eurydice
are you sure
coachella
i really want to do something with you
eurydice
do you want to play a fighting game
coachella
we can play a fighting game
they take a drag in unison and stare at each other a little bit before leaving the stage. fin